Investigation Cites Illiteracy, Bad Cooking, Possible Lack Of Oversight At Racer-X.

A new self-help book “One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish” has labeled Racer-X athlete Andy Nook both illiterate and a bad cook. When reached for comment the book’s author Dr. Theodor S. Geisel cited doctor/patient confidentiality in refusing to answer questions regarding these explosive allegations. However, anonymous sources claiming to be close to the situation and identifying themselves only as Two Hump Whump and Yink, have relayed what they experienced during Andy’s recent session with Dr. Geisel:

“We took a look. We saw A Nook. On his head he had a hook. On his hook he had a book. On his book was ‘How to Cook.’”

Artist's rendition.

Two Hump Whump went on to say “We saw him sit and try to cook. He took a look at the book on the hook." It is here the most serious allegations come out. "But A Nook can't read, so A Nook can't cook," adding, "so . . . what good to A Nook is a hook cook book?"

Reached by phone while vacationing in Texas, Racer-X team director David Alden-St Pierre was solidly in Mr. Nook’s corner. Mr. Alden-St Pierre, however, refused to confirm or deny the specific allegations. When pressed, he admitted that Mr. Nook may have certain issues but that he more than makes up for them with other talents. As the questioning became relentless Mr. Alden-St Pierre appeared to briefly lose his temper. During inquiries regarding Mr. Nook's supposed qualifications the team director retorted, “Did you ever fly a kite in bed? Did you ever walk with ten cats on your head."

"But A Nook can't read, so A Nook can't cook . . .

It was at this point Mr. Alden-St-Pierre refused to further address specifics of the Nook case, instead pointing out that although recruiting illiterate/bad-in-the-kitchen athletes was not a stated goal of the Racer-X team there is a policy of inclusion as to who can join. “Yes. Some are red. And some are blue. Some are old. And some are new. Some are sad. And some are glad. And some are very, very bad. Some are thin. And some are fat. The fat one has a yellow hat."

Furthering his point of diversity on the squad Mr. Alden-St.Pierre cited Racer-X cyclocross riders Jamie and Glen commenting, "Here are some who like to run. They run for fun in the hot, hot sun. Where do they come from? I can't say [ed. New Mexico]. But I bet they have come a long long way. "

Finally, responding to criticism that there may be a lack of oversight within the program team director Alden-St.Pierre closed the interview with these words regarding his athletes: "We see them come. We see them go. Some are fast. Some are slow. Some are high. Some are low. Not one of them is like another. Don't ask us why. Go ask your mother."

More to come as this investigation into A Nook and Racer-X continues.